Writing in anger...

[fajrdrako]

I sent e-mail to the friend I am angry with, telling her I was angry and why. I told her she was boorish and solipsistic. Writing the letter didn't make me feel better (I'd hoped it would) but at least I feel I'm being honest with her, and not keeping my anger to myself. I am slow to anger, but equally - it seems - slow to get over it.

Comments

[rosiespark.livejournal.com]

I hope you never have to tell me I'm solipsistic - I'm ashamed to say that I didn't know what it meant and had to look it up. ::shakes head sadly:: That would really be a cutting insult, to be called something that you had to look up. *g*

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, I hope she doesn't have to look it up! I thought it would be better than telling her she was full of herself. Don't worry, I can't even imagine you being solipsistic, you are an entirely different kind of person.

[monsieureden.livejournal.com]

LOL, I had to look it up, and I totally would insulted if I had to look up an insult. *g*

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

I totally would insulted if I had to look up an insult.

I can't imagine ever wanting to insult you - !

I think when I'm angry my vocabulary goes arcane. I'm not sure why. I don't get angry all that much, so I don't know what to expect of myself when I do.

[rosiespark.livejournal.com]

Hey, you too! Welcome to the party. *g*

[gem225.livejournal.com]

I hope that your friend reads the e-mail, realizes that she was in the wrong, apologizes to you, and never treats you in such a way again.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

What a very nice thought. Yes, I hope so too. She has been a good friend to me the past; it would be nice to go return to that level of friendship.

"Are" vs "Did"

[idiotgrrl.livejournal.com]

Having been on the wrong end of "You ARE...." too many times, I need to chime in with: did you explain what she DID?

Because some of the "You ARE..." scoldings felt to me like totally undefined accusations. I remember asking humbly to be told what I'd done wrong, only to be told that the very fact that I had to ask, proved I WAS a....(whatever. Yeah. solipsism and self-centeredness usually fit that paradigm.)

Not to mention that one can correct a bad behavior better than what you ARE.

I have been accused of -- I am -- self-centered and solipsistic and sometimes boorish, not from ill intent but from a general tone-deafness and natural inward orientation. I have learned to correct many of the behaviors which people dislike, both because it's no fun being disliked, and because I never had any intent to hurt them.

I presume you know for a fact your friend either intended to hurt you or didn't care. But -- just my $0.02,

Pat

Re: "Are" vs "Did"

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

did you explain what she DID?

Oh, yes - it was actually a crime of omission not a crime of commission, and I carefully spelled it out, starting my note by saying that I was explaining because I thought it was terribly unfair to be angry with a person and not to tell them why. "But what did I do?" is a plaint I have heard from many people when other friends are mad at them.... And I confess, I had a tiny, brief impulse not to tell her, to make her figure it out, but that would be simply vindictive, which I don't want to be.

I don't think my friend intended to hurt me. It was more a matter of ... taking advantage of myself and several other friends in a way that should not have happened in the first place. Perhaps not even a terrible offense in itself, but one of a series of similar thoughtless unkindnesses.

Anyway, your comments are appreciated.

[jkluge.livejournal.com]

I had to look up "solipsistic." *g*

I'm so sorry to hear that someone hurt you and I wish the letter had eased your feelings. {{E}} And why is it that we remember the things that made us angry for so long? I'm the same way. Is it a survival mechanism? Whatever the cause, I hope this incident will fade quickly. Maybe trying to replace those feelings when they occur with memories of your *best* times will help.

Here's one: your Pros fiction was excellent. From the few episodes I've seen, even *I* can tell that you captured the characters beautifully and with pinpoint accuracy. A true pleasure to read. I'm sorry I had to sell my Motets and other Keynote zines because I'd like to reread your stories now and then, revisit them.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

I had to look up "solipsistic."

Hey - my anger is a learning experience!

why is it that we remember the things that made us angry for so long?

I don't know - sometimes it seems that unkind acts conistently have more impact and resonance than acts of kindness. Which I suppose is why we have international wars - and why people who are abused are so harmed by the abuse.

Anyway, thanks for the comments about my Pros fiction. You say just the right things to make me happy! I'm so glad you even remember my stories.
You've made my morning - thank you!

[jkluge.livejournal.com]

I love reading the dictionary, so I was happy to look up "solipsistic." And now I have another word to add to my vocabulary. ;-)

I'm so glad my (well-deserved!) praise helped.

I'm naturally solipsistic myself, so it's something Ihave to fight against. Also, your comments about abuse put somethiong instantly into perspective -- I was feeling ill-used by a couple of family members over some small injustices -- and your comment made me flash onto something I'd heard recently about Holocaust victims -- twins who were tortured with terrible medical experiments by Mengele and his evil colleagues. Hm...maybe I've got it pretty good, really and I should let the small stuff go. (And this is not in any way to cast any judgements about your situation -- I totally understand how the small stuff can add up and just make you very angry after a time! You're completely justified in feeling that way. But your comment and *my* train of thought made *me* feel a bit better by thinking it could be worse.

;-) Could be raining.)

[rosiespark.livejournal.com]

I had to look up "solipsistic."

Whew. What a relief that it wasn't just me! *g*

[jkluge.livejournal.com]

LOL Nope. [Unknown site tag] clearly has a more esoteric vocabulary than either of us. ;-)

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Just kick my ankles when I use incomprehensible words, okay?

[rosiespark.livejournal.com]

In an attempt to distract you/make you laugh, here's a question for you:

Do you consider Stuart guilty of solipsism?

Please illustrate your reply with as many examples as possible - both words and pics are allowable and, indeed, necessary. Please feel free to ramble, deliberate, pontificate, prognosticate and wax lyrical. Extra length will be rewarded*.

;P

* that's length of reply. What else? *g*

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Do you consider Stuart guilty of solipsism?

My first thought was to say 'no', but why do I think that? He's certainly egotistical, careless of the feelings of others, directed to his own purposes....

But he seems to have a good understanding of himself and others, even when he doesn't have much of a conscience about it. He does have a purpose, and goals, and directions - what is the line from "Pygmalion": "all stop and go, and no consideration for anyone." Stuart gets bonus points for entertainment value, looks, gumption, courage and intelligence.

Which is not to say that... maybe, just maybe, if I knew Stuart I'd be fed up with him and yelling at him for being solipsistic. And then I would probably forgive him. (Pretty much like Vince does, on various occasions.)

[rosiespark.livejournal.com]

When I asked the question, my unthinking reply would have been "yes, he is - but he does get less so." On reflection, I'm not so sure. It's not that simple.

I don't think he's solipsistic (!), generally, as much as he is arrogant, and a bit self-centred - but then, aren't most people self-centred to a certain degree? Stuart is possibly just more honest about it.

Because thinking about it, I'm struggling to come up with any examples. Of Stuart's solipsism, I mean. Heh, I'm getting a buzz every time I use the word!

Stuart says at one point - in the second series, I think - that he never promised anyone anything. Which is true. Take Nathan, frex. Stuart never implies that it'll be anything more than a one night stand - so when Nathan starts hanging around hopefully (in other words, "stalking" Stuart"), he's not going to pretend, there's a sort of brutal honesty to the way he behaves that takes its own sort of courage. OTOH, it wasn't going to kill him to let Nathan hang around with him and Vince and Phil for one evening, was it? Yet he still tried to escape and would happily have left Vince and Phil to "babysit" Nathan if Vince hadn't twigged and gone after him...

But it's after the funeral, when Nathan ends up at Hazel's, that I really feel Stuart disgraces himself. When he has it off with Nathan, I mean, in Vince's old room. And Vince knows - when he walks (and then runs) off, I think he's furious about Stuart's thoughtlessness (solipsism!) but I think he's also really jealous. And Nathan swanning about with his shirt off and a huge smirk on his face, making it really obvious that he's just had Stuart for the second time - poor Vince...

And then Stuart makes a pass at Cameron when he first meets him - sends Vince off to get drinks and makes a definite pass at Cameron. And I don't think his motives were altruistic that time.

Okay, definite example of Stuart NOT being solipsistic - outing Vince to Rosalie at Vince's birthday party so that Vince would decide he's a complete bastard and feel free to go off with Cameron.

It's as if he wants the world to see him as a selfish bastard. Or has he convinced himself that he is selfish and uncaring? I think he's conflicted about Alfred, for example - he's quite happy to be responsible financially and to be sort of involved, but will he actually spend time with him? In ep. 3, Lisa points out that Vince ends up holding the baby - he does seem to, quite a lot!

And then there's the thing with his (Stuart's) parents, never telling them that he's gay - maybe the brutal honesty in everything else is due, at least partly, to the fact that he can't bring himself to be honest about this one central thing with his parents. And when he does tell them, also outing his little blackmailing nephew, he does it in language that's worse than uncompromising - he's daring them to think the worst.

This is incoherent, I know, but I'm too tired to think straight. Just watched to the end of episode 5 - lots of food for thought.

[silverwhistle.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling. A few months ago, I severed all contact with a family I had known for nearly 20 years. It still hurts that they accused me of insensitivity when they knew I had just lost my job, and was in a very touchy and fragile emotional state. See Attack of the Smug (http://silverwhistle.livejournal.com/25646.html).

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

That's recent, too. I'm sorry you have a break with those people. Sometimes it seems that when trouble hits us, it hits from several sides at once, and when we are least able to handle it.

I remind myself of Eleanor's line in The Lion in Winter: "what family doesn't have its up and downs?" - Defining 'family' here as long-time friends, which is my substitute for relatives.

[silverwhistle.livejournal.com]

Yes. My patience had been wearing thin with them for a while, especially with their very immature student daughter, who was into all this 'animal rights' stuff. (As I said, if someone can use the word 'speciesist' with a straight face... I'm out of there!), and we'd grown apart. But I wasn't expecting such hostility, and I realised, looking back, that they'd been probing my views on various things for a while, no doubt feeling very morally superior.

Yes, I prefer friends to relatives. Apart from my father, there's no-one in my blood family with whom I have much in common or with whom I can talk as an equal. I'm not sure I even like my mother. Apart from my Dad, most of the family on both sides is under-educated and mundane. I have cousins who have no qualifications between them, but have made a packet either in the oil industry or in hair-dressing. This is valued and appreciated - "isn't so-and-so wonderful?", while I am pitied. I always wished I had been born into a professorial family...

[wijsgeer.livejournal.com]

but solipsism is a philosophical school of thought, not a character fault!

You know about the woman who attended a lecture by Bertrand Russel on epistemology, afterwards she went up to him to ask him a question. "Sir Russell, why aren't all the other people not solipsists?" sir Russel looked at her and asked "wich other people?"

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

It is also used in English - colloquial English, if you can call such an obscure and abstruse word colloquial - to mean self-obsessed, narcissistic or egocentric - to think that the feelings of others don't matter. (see http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/solipsistic) - Since I see this variant meaning in Mirriam-Webster but not in Chambers or Cambridge, it could be an Americanism.

Love your Bertrand Russell anecdote - and no, I'd never heard it - that's hilarious! (Philosophy humour. Yes!)

[sparklebutch.livejournal.com]

Due to past experience - I much prefer that people who have a problem with me would say it, than when they disappear and then play very stupid mind games that I thought were irritating when I was five. Communication is better, end of story. Sigh.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

I much prefer that people who have a problem with me would say it, than when they disappear

Yes, I agree. I think most of us would prefer that, at least in the long term. Being left to wonder is the worst thing.