Call for a beta reader...

[fajrdrako]

Is there someone here who could beta a story for me? It's Torchwood; Captain Jack/Captain John.

Comments

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Tonight? Okay!

[walkingowl.livejournal.com]

I tried! I really tried!

[walkingowl.livejournal.com]

Getting closer... working on it...!

Thoughts: Pursuit/Captured

[walkingowl.livejournal.com]

Hey. I know you're into the second draft, but here are some thoughts.

First paragraph: "All he had to find was a trio of Stone Angels." Awkward. Also, the smoothness of this paragraph was lacking. It jerked along. Didn't set the scene before moving closer into the scene. I didn't get the initial notion that he was in Singapore at large, before taking his first step at moving to a specific location with it as he narrowed in on his targets.

Also first paragraph: "He charmed his way in with psychic paper." Show it! More fun than just saying it.

Fourth paragraph (beg. w/ He scanned again, trying to narrow the field): I did not till you said it already know viscerally he was in a room. Again, you hadn't set the scene with any little comments on the visual surroundings.

I liked the easy, wide-spread flirting. Hee.

Little paragraph: "Provided he could get rid of those damn angels, and whoever this stranger was" just bothered me. Seemed too non-specific.

Paragraph starging "Jack took a sip of his champagne" -- first, I had not really had the sense that he had a glass of it in his hand. Also, Captain John broke off his interaction with his group VERY VERY RUDELY!! Oi, would Captain Jack really reward supercilious behavior like that with a dance?

Big one: " 'Shit,' said Jack. It was the customary greeting of one Time Agent to another" -- you know what I'm going to say! Knowing Jack as we do, could be he would try to pass "Shit!" off as the customary greeting, yes. But you have it written that way. Oops.

Word-typo: "I've almost caught up with them. Someone in this building, this level or the one below it." Somewhere? Or is it someone? Do Stone Angels manage to hide themselves within living beings?

The one-sentence paragraph "It didn't bear thinking about" left me saying ???

On page four, you have Jack saying something "grimly" twice: in par. starting with " 'I don't know.' The tempo of the music..." and on down the page in par. starting with " 'They're gone,' Jack said grimly."

His explanation to John about how the Stone Angels operate wasn't clear enough to tell me what exactly had happened. I didn't feel connected to the action as John took his eyes off one of them -- and as they got "tagged," which I don't understand -- and I guess I'm saying that this last part had too much pure dialogue and not enough grounding description. Description to ground me in the moment. I ended up somewhat lost. And had to keep backtracking to remind myself who was saying what, which was interesting for me to realize. Hm!

Next to last page: Why should it make any difference that "it's snowing somewhere"?

Again -- that last two and a half pages, I lost all sense of the physical environment, and caught myself wondering if they were suspended in some kind of non-physical limbo together. Were they in a physical environment? Were they still in the same party, and stuck there till they could find a way to break the loop?

There. That's a little bit. I'm promising to get you feedback on the next draft quite a bit sooner than I managed it for this first one! I'm all shook up and annoyed from work happenings, but now I have two days not to think about any of that, so maybe I can relax and be happy for a bit. Let me know the next draft... will be on e-mail Wed. in the afternoon or evening.

Re: Thoughts: Pursuit/Captured

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comments! I'm unlikely to have time or energy to work on it tonight, but hope to do another draft tomorrow evening.