Family...

[fajrdrako]

I tend to feel sad when people talk about 'family values' because I just don't have family. My friends are my family. With the death of my father, I have no one left alive in his generation; all the aunts and uncles are dead. I hardly knew my grandparents. There are some cousins, scattered across Canada, with a few in England - and at least one in Africa. In recent years, I've fallen mostly out of touch with them. Not for any substantial reason: just that, beyond Christmas cards, there's been no reason to be in touch. And yet - I don't want to be estranged, and it happens so easily.

So it was because of my father's death that I was in touch with all the cousins, and I've been hearing back from them. Had a chat on the phone today with my cousin Bob, who lives in BC. He's a couple of years older than I am, a chiropractor. I don't think I ever talked to him on the phone before. Enjoyed it immensely. The funny thing is... the nice thing is: whenever I talk to one of my cousins, I am left thinking how much I like my relatives.

I have a cousin named Jane, whom I got to know when I lived in England. At that time, she lived in a beautiful thatched 18th century cottage in Somerset, and I stayed with her and her family for Christmas. Good, good memories. My most recent letter from Jane, a few years ago now, was from Africa. But my next letter to her was returned undelivered, and then I moved, and - well, there you have it. So easy to be out of touch.

Then I got e-mail from her today. I was thrilled. One of my cousins had told her my father died, and had sent her my e-mail address. So now I'm in touch with Jane again: it's a relief and a delight. Then I got a message from Jim, who is in Angola. And Margie, who is just in Kitchener, Ontario, not even that far away, but I hadn't been in touch in a year.

It isn't right, if you only contact relatives because someone died. Note to self: keep in touch. Don't let them slip away. I value them too much for that.

Comments

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

After my dad died, I started a family e-mail list on egroups - which was later bought by Yahoo. Our list has been up for around 13 years now. Before that, I could go a year without speaking with one of my cousins, or aunts or uncles. Now, we correspond daily - politics, happenings, photos, recipes - whatever.

Over the years, the younger members have joined (we let them join when they go to college), and new spouses have come on board. It's been wonderful!

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

What a brilliant idea!

If I started something like that, I wonder if my relatives would join in?

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

If you start it, they will come :D Start a Yahoogroup, invite them to join, and suggest everyone does an email with their latest info - what they're doing, where they're living, etc.

Start a thread about memories, about family recipes...these things can move along!

We occassionally go a week or so with no messages, but it always picks up again later!

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

I like the idea of that. They might not all go for it, but even if a handful did, it would be fun.

[flautopiccolo.livejournal.com]

I also thought the idea is so brilliant, I just set one up for my parents, their children/spouses and their grandchildren/spouses! Of course at the moment, I'm the only member.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

A group of one - ! I like it.

[flautopiccolo.livejournal.com]

We're up to two now! My husband joined.

My younger son's comment when I IM'd him about it: 'ok and why?'

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

There, see - doubled the number in no time at all.

'ok and why?'

I suspect filial suspicion!

[walkingowl.livejournal.com]

I am glad to hear that you are once again connecting with your blood relatives.

Yes, it isn't right to wait until a funeral to get in touch with family... but doing that can make the sad time less sad, less distancing. In late February, when my father's last aunt passed away (my great-aunt Ethel, older sister of great-aunt Ruby, whom we lost last May, who had been the one who knew how to make root beer!), I took it upon myself to... well, here: my dad's brother Ray and brother Blair had had a falling-out many years ago, and because of this and other things, my dad and Blair and sister Judy didn't have any contact with Ray's widow Marcia. Who lives down the road from me. So, the day after I found out about Great-aunt Ethel, I drove to visit Aunt Marcia. Had a great chat! Then I drove to Blair and Arlene's house, accidentally just in time for supper, and told them that Marcia had wondered why no one called her any more, and here is her phone number. Turns out, Blair and Judy had the wrong phone number written down. After supper, I stopped at Aunt Judy's house on my way home, and finished connecting my remaining parent-generation relatives (except for my dad's youngest sibling Tom, who is in Albany, New York).

Then it turned out that the weather was horribly icy on the day of the funeral, anyway, and none of those from this side of Laurel Mountain could make it. But cards were sent. All were connected.

Remember when your cousin George and his wife visited you, and when they heard your voice on the intercom she said to him, "She sounds just like your mother!" Hee!

Relatives are nice to keep in your life. There's something about shared history. People who have known you, or at least known of you, for your entire life... those people are precious indeed.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

You have so many more relatives than I do! I have no aunts or uncles left on any side of the family. Neither do my Holden cousins. I'm not sure about the Barron cousins; there might be someone still alive on their father's side, but the only one there whom I knew is dead, too.

I should probably ask them.

[walkingowl.livejournal.com]

I have so far fewer relatives than I used to have. As I have memories all the way to the beginning of my life, I have clear, precious memories of people who died before I even learned to talk. And I miss them. All of them. I don't think the feelings of loss will ever diminish. I read a snippet about Wordsworth, once... his little daughter had died at age five, and one day after that he abruptly realized that he had gone a few hours without feeling the pain of it, and he was disconsolate that he could actually have forgotten to feel her loss for that time, and wished that he never got to a state of being in which he would not feel her loss. I understand that completely.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Losses are always difficult.

Bad news about Harry today. Inoperable and incurable.

Yeah, difficult.

[walkingowl.livejournal.com]

You once again wrote a reply to a comment that I posted in the union office, on the union's computer which does not allow me to sign in on my personal e-mail account but allows me to post on LJ... you replied to that in the time it took for me to drive to the cafe where I borrow their wi-fi signal to do my personal e-mail. Shouldn't you be in bed, dear?

I am completely without words.

This is not fair.

I can't pull this in right now.

Thank you for telling me.

[silverwhistle.livejournal.com]

There are only one or 2 relatives I can talk to. Others bore me solid, or actively irritate me: we have so little in common. I think once one accepts that mere accidents of genetics are not a basis for a real relationship, one feels much freer.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Yes. Though I don't have many relatives, I've been lucky in the ones I do have. I don't know the ones on my father's side very well, since he had minimal contact - but I like them all. My only fear is that since some of them are Christian, they might be homophobic - but I've seen no sign of it.

The cousins on my mother's side - the set I know better - are dear to me. A motley foursome who have virtually nothing in common with each other, which is fine - they're very interesting people.

The third set of cousins, my mother's brother's family, I hardly know. I don't think I have email addresses for any of them; I should write.

[coalboy.livejournal.com]

At least you have snail mail addresses for them! Of course, dunno if the addresses are current.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

There's only one way to find out!

[jwaneeta.livejournal.com]

That's heartening to hear, good fgor you! I don't have a family either (lost them all when I was 15) but a couple of years ago I was contacted by a long lost neice. It's been so great to have somebody.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

If it isn't too nosy to ask, how did you lose your family all at once?

And how wonderful to have a niece! I'll never have one of those.

[jwaneeta.livejournal.com]

My childhood was hellishly abusive, but when I was fifteeen my parents finally divorced. However neither of them wanted me. My mother came to my high school, signed me out, and left me in a locked ward institution. She wanted to marry immediately, having never worked a day in her life, and the guy didn't want to feed another man's child.

When the insurance ran out I had no where to go. I tried to live with my dad, but he beat me. I tried to find my mother, but she was gone. I did find her when I was 24 and had a career in comics (I thought if she knew I was making money she would accept me, if only for mercenary reasons: I just wanted some family) but she rejected me again. <-- short version

At that point I pretty much gave up. In 30 years I never knew what happened to any of them. I did try with internet searches, but nada, until Long-Lost Niece found me. She discovered some old letters my father had saved (?), traced the recipient (a childhood friend who has internett presence as an environmentalist) and got in touch. She's a lovely person, by the way; I adore her.

You know what? I think I will call her right now. :)

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's quite a life story. You are one of a handful of people I know with as few family connections as I have.

I don't know what a locked ward institution is.

I'm glad your niece found you.

[jwaneeta.livejournal.com]

PS: I once posted about this on my journal, but since I've been in contact with Long-Lost Niece I made it private. For several reasons I don't want her reading the whole sordid story.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Understandable! I'm sure it would trouble her, and clearly none of it is her doing.