FIC: Torchwood (drabble) - "Guilt"

[fajrdrako]

Title: Guilt
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack
Challenge: tw100, challenge: protest
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Not mine, no claims, all property of the BBC.
Notes: Cross-posted to my LJ and to tw100. Spoilers for Torchwood epiosode 2x02, "Sleeper".


Guilt

Jack dreamed about the Doctor's disapproval.

"I did it for you," he said. "I built Torchwood to protect the people of Earth."

The Doctor didn't roll his eyes, but no one besides Ianto could project skepticism so clearly. "By torturing innocent Sleepers?"

"Sleepers are not innocent!"

"Until they're awakened, they are."

"Earth needs me!"

"You protest too much." The Doctor's eyes held the fire of a thousand suns. "Once a con man, always a con man."

"No! You must believe - "

Sweating, Jack woke, finding Ianto's arms warm around him.

"It's all right," said Ianto. "Only a dream, Jack. Sleep."

Comments

[ceindreadh.livejournal.com]

Ouch, poor Jack! Nice drabble.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Many thanks.

[elebridith]

Aww. Poor Jack. Always about the Doctor...
Like it!

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

"Always about the Doctor... " when I'm writing it, certainly!

[nina-ds.livejournal.com]

Nice!

Not just for obvious reasons, but because of the tone of the drabble, I imagine that it's Nine and not Ten he's imagining - after all, it's Nine for whom he rebuilt Torchwood (although I have problems with that logically!)

But it's really this line: "You protest too much." The Doctor's eyes held the fire of a thousand suns. "Once a con man, always a con man."

[cionaudha.livejournal.com]

I was thinking Nine as well. But then I'm always thinking Nine. ;-)

But seriously, Nine is really Jack's Doctor, the one he'd been pining for these many decades.

[nina-ds.livejournal.com]

I was thinking Nine as well. But then I'm always thinking Nine. ;-)

Me, too. I tried really hard with Ten, but I finally gave up with Utopia - everyone else was all asquee, and I was like, "That's it?!" Although the moment when Jack looked down and said, almost as if to himself, "It was 'fantastic'!" put a lump in my throat.

That line just sounds more like Nine than Ten. That, and Ten's eyes don't really burn.

But seriously, Nine is really Jack's Doctor, the one he'd been pining for these many decades.


That's true. You know, I've been thinking recently that Ten doesn't have any relationships he's built himself, except possibly, provisionally with Donna. Rose, Jack, even Mickey and Jackie were all brought to a certain point with Nine (Mickey actually took a step backward with Ten), Sarah Jane was Three/Four's, and he pretty much failed to make a connection with Martha. Even Madame de Pompadour was accomplished from her side, via the Vulcan mind meld and flattery.

[cionaudha.livejournal.com]

I really loved Nine, and lost heart when he left. He was a dangerous man, unknowable and... what-- sharp? intense? Commanding, anyway.

I haven't seen much of Ten outside the Utopia arc, so I can't comment on the second part of your note.

Love your "burning eye" icon. Seriously, he gave me the very best kind of shivers.

[nina-ds.livejournal.com]

He was a dangerous man, unknowable and... what-- sharp? intense? Commanding, anyway.

Yes. But also able to show that vulnerability underneath - both extremes, at the same time. Appealing in a character, impressive in an actor!

That icon is by prchung - it's one of my favourites.

I haven't seen much of Ten outside the Utopia arc, so I can't comment on the second part of your note.

I was kind of thinking out loud and it got away from me!

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

also able to show that vulnerability underneath - both extremes, at the same time.

With regard to Jack - as in the theme of my drabble - I see Nine as having an understanding of him that works on two levels: an appreciation of the 'frivolous' Jack, who flirts and jokes and is ingenious with mechanics; and the deep Jack, the one who needs and is looking for redemption and a better life, the one who would die for the Doctor and Rose (and who does), the soul-deep person who is struggling to live up to his own standards and create his own identity. And Nine was so good at living on both levels at once, the light and the deep, the sharp and the mellow - neither contradicting each other, but always being a sort of unpredictable paradox.

In another sense (if I'm not rambling on too long here), the Doctor is a mirror of Jack, or vice versa: with a guilt in his past to expiate, which he is able to do in "The Parting of the Ways" when he decides not to kill the Daleks and the humans. So the whole of series one follows this process for him, from one rebirth (as Nine) to the next (as Ten). A transition from Transgressor (destroyer of his tribe) to Seeker (the Nine we see) to transcendant rebirth.

And then Ten is a whole different kettle of fish. New metaphor? I'm not sure how to put Ten into the pattern of his own story. He is mercurial, vengeful, dangerous, by turns friendly and aloof...?

Jack, in turn, makes the transition from Con Man to Hero to Saviour, but in doing so is abandoned and judged by his teacher and left to make his own way, with no guide but memory and conscience.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

really loved Nine, and lost heart when he left.

Nine was amazing in every way. I adore him.

I haven't seen much of Ten outside the Utopia arc

I suppose Professor Yana could be cited as another of Ten's connections - though I'm not sure where that leaves us.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

the moment when Jack looked down and said, almost as if to himself, "It was 'fantastic'!" put a lump in my throat.

A lot of post-Nine moments when Jack thinks of the Doctor have put a lump in my throat. Always from Jack's point of view, never caused by Ten.

That line just sounds more like Nine than Ten. That, and Ten's eyes don't really burn.

Add a fifth possibility: that Jack's nightmare Doctor is a combination of both, with features of both.

Ten doesn't have any relationships he's built himself, except possibly, provisionally with Donna.

That remains to be seen in another week, does it not?

he pretty much failed to make a connection with Martha

I would put it more strongly: he made a connection with Martha, and then he deliberately and decisively severed it.

[nina-ds.livejournal.com]

A lot of post-Nine moments when Jack thinks of the Doctor have put a lump in my throat. Always from Jack's point of view, never caused by Ten.

That moment when he was cradling the hand... That was exactly the gesture that John Barrowman made describing the Doctor kissing Rose in POTW finally; that was absolute proof to me that he was playing a deep love.

I would put it more strongly: he made a connection with Martha, and then he deliberately and decisively severed it.


I'm trying to wrap my head exactly around how I would describe it. It was like they kept missing each other, or rather, he kept moving. It was emotionally cowardly and occasionally cruel. I would have felt at least 50% better if he'd just said, "Quite right, too," when she said, "I am good." For all his damage, Nine was open; if he held back it was because he felt unworthy; Ten...it's as if nothing reaches him, nothing's good enough, and that connects up with this comment from another part of the thread:

And then Ten is a whole different kettle of fish. New metaphor? I'm not sure how to put Ten into the pattern of his own story. He is mercurial, vengeful, dangerous, by turns friendly and aloof...?

This is a huge part of my problem. I have issues with him just on his own terms, but I can't help feeling that Nine sacrificed himself for love and for healing, and he turned into someone rather flip and cold. I have taken to making the distinction between mercurial (Nine) and erratic (Ten), because both of them are changeable - as an actor, CE can make those sharp turns much more quickly and profoundly and/or hold both in the same moment (the slight look of sadness in his eyes when he grins, "This morning you were all tiny and made of clay!"), DT usually carries over one demeanour as he's shifting the dialogue. There's a bit of a dovetailing/overlap.

It's part of what makes this little story so chilling, though, because it's entirely believable. My fantasy for S3 had been that Nine had made Jack into the sort of man who could save Ten, or at least show him the error of his ways. Wouldn't that have been a wonderful dramatic stroke?

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

that was absolute proof to me that he was playing a deep love

Yes, absolutely.

It was like they kept missing each other, or rather, he kept moving.

Hmm, yes. Deep and maybe immediate report: and then he started running, and kept on running, while she pursued, puzzled, never quite sure whether he would stop for her. He may have wanted to - that's the only way it makes any sense to me at all - but he kept running.

I would have felt at least 50% better if he'd just said, "Quite right, too," when she said, "I am good."

That would have been great.

Ten...it's as if nothing reaches him, nothing's good enough

Afraid to be touched? Or looking for something over the horizon? Or both?

I have issues with him just on his own terms, but I can't help feeling that Nine sacrificed himself for love and for healing, and he turned into someone rather flip and cold.

Flip, yes. Cold? I don't know. Still working on it. I don't think he's cold - or, rather, there's a difference between coldness and frigidity: but he's not frigid, or he wouldn't flirt, he wouldn't have connected with Reinette or Rose. And he did connect, on some level. The question is, what?

My fantasy for S3 had been that Nine had made Jack into the sort of man who could save Ten, or at least show him the error of his ways.

Oh, yes me too! I want to see that. I've been trying to write it - not successfully for far, but I think I'll get there.

For Jack to redeem Ten would restore a lot of the balance and structure of the story.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

then I'm always thinking Nine. ;-)

When it's any connection with Jack, Nine is preferable. Nine would be the one mostly in Jack's memory, and probably in his dreams.

At the same time, the transition from Nine to Ten would be at least as hard for Jack to cope with as it is for us, especially since Jack couldn't witness the regeneration in any way. And because of Jack's wrongness, he has to start from scratch to prove himself to Ten - just as he once had to do with Nine, when he blew it so badly with the nanogenes.

So - which scenario is more traumatic for Jack? I don't know. Interesting to think about, either way.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Nice!

Thank you.

Not just for obvious reasons, but because of the tone of the drabble, I imagine that it's Nine and not Ten he's imagining

That's not as easy to answer as it might be. I wrote it with Ten as in mind - Ten as Judge, Jury and Executioner for Jack - (including the somewhat erotic overtones the term 'executioner' has in his psyche).

But Nine is Jack's Doctor, the one he loved and who loved him, the one to whom he turns for absolution. And he's the one who knew him as a con man.

So I see it as being a sort of triadic theme:

1. Jack is dreaming of Ten, and feels himself harshly judged, struggling to prove his worthiness.

2. Jack is dreaming of Nine, hoping to recover his lost eden, when he was accepted by the Doctor.

3. Jack is dreaming of making his plea for redemption to Nine, but being judged and rejected by Ten.

Or even (though I didn't think of this till just now) 4. Jack makes his plea to Ten, the current Doctor, and in nightmare fashion, is judged and abandoned by Nine - possibly a recurring fear: that the one who once trusted and loved him is the same one who mistrusts and abandons him.

[cionaudha.livejournal.com]

4. Jack makes his plea to Ten, the current Doctor, and in nightmare fashion, is judged and abandoned by Nine - possibly a recurring fear: that the one who once trusted and loved him is the same one who mistrusts and abandons him.

Good Lord, that's unhappy. :-(

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Well, yes, it's unhappy, but it's not entirely unhappy. For one thing, Jack has Ianto to comfort him. For another, I am confident that he will win the Doctor's love and trust again.

[nina-ds.livejournal.com]

...but...but...it's the Doctor who needs to step up and win Jack's love and trust...

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

but...it's the Doctor who needs to step up and win Jack's love and trus

Oh, yes, of course, but that's reality you're talking about - the reality within the story. I'm talking about the reality within Jack's head, because this is his point of view; poking at the motivation and fear that shaped his dream, that's looking for something he thinks the Doctor can give him. The answer (if it were one of my stories) would be that Jack can find what he's looking for by giving the Doctor the love, absolution, forgiveness, or whatever that he is looking for himself; but Jack doesn't yet know this.

[nina-ds.livejournal.com]

That's not as easy to answer as it might be.

No, certainly. I definitely get the sense of oscillation, and I think any and perhaps all of those possibilities exist. The judgmental part seemed very S3 Ten, although there was something about the choice of words that definitely said "Nine", and I think maybe, because Nine is the one who accepted Jack, having him go back to that "once a con man line" would hurt even worse, which is where you get to on 4. Jack, even more than Rose (although I think for Rose, too), made his bond with Nine and Ten broke/weakened it.

Yes, I am ignoring the whole Satellite 5 thing because (1) it was written SOOOOOO far after the fact and doesn't actually make sense; and (2) even if it were strictly Nine who did the abandoning, he was regenerating and that's gotta confuse a guy. I just cannot wrap my head around Nine abandoning Jack if he thought he was alive. Sacrificing him is another thing altogether; he was right (and got a get-out-of-jail free card) to choose Utah over Rose, hard as that was. And Jack was a more willing sacrifice, a soldier. But I simply cannot see the Doctor who opened up to Jack enough to flirt just abandoning him. Well, at least Nine.

Is that coherent? I don't even know, today's been a lovely whirl of Friday evening DC traffic and unpleasant but necessary medical procedures.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was all very coherent, or at least as coherent as the interestingly complex psychological, romantic and moral paradox allows. It's fun to play with and I find that it isn't so much that I don't have answers to the puzzle, it's that I have a myriad of answers, none of which entirely fit, and which are always shifting. Nine remains the rock-solid centre of it all, in all his beauty. Ten dances around like a will-o-the-wisp, drat him. Elusive.

You make me want to explore Nine's motivation for leaving Jack on the Game Station. I am intrigued by the fact that he told Rose Jack had 'things to do', and she accepted it: as if Nine foretold Jack's stay on Earth through the 20th century. But how does that reconcile with Ten telling Jack he was "wrong"? I feel as if I'm juggling story-fragments in the air, and they reshape themselves like silly putty. (Er, excuse a triple mixed metaphor, I'm feeling excessive this evening.)

I hope your medical procedures weren't too unpleasant and that they're all over... I hate medical procedures, even benign ones. But one does what one must.

[cionaudha.livejournal.com]

Poor dear Jack. It must be unbearable at times, trying always to know what is right with no help, no guidance. Guesses and instinct; doubt. And with such stakes.


"Earth needs me!"

That's a nice, sad echo of Ianto's desperate "Jack needs me!", and sorts them out pretty well as we've discussed before: Jack serves mankind, Ianto serves Jack.


"Once a con man, always a con man."

"No! You must believe - "

In his deepest heart Jack's not certain, is he.


Precious Ianto. I like it when Ianto does the comforting; I hope to see it on the show someday. He has such a lot to offer Jack.

Thank you for this! :-)

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

It must be unbearable at times, trying always to know what is right with no help, no guidance.

I'm sure he worries about it a lot. He wants to do what's right, but it's difficult to judge.

That's a nice, sad echo of Ianto's desperate "Jack needs me!", and sorts them out pretty well as we've discussed before: Jack serves mankind, Ianto serves Jack.

Yes. Well, they each try. I think Jack would serve the Doctor if the Doctor let him, but he isn't on the TARDIS, is he? From the Doctor's comments to Rose on the matter, I think he thinks Jack is in the right place.

In his deepest heart Jack's not certain, is he.

He would like to be able to deny it but he really can't. He is the product of his own past, and he knows it. He's trying to put it behind it, but it follows him.

I like it when Ianto does the comforting; I hope to see it on the show someday.

I would certainly like to see that.

Thank you!

[cionaudha.livejournal.com]

A propos of Not This, I found lyrics for the song Ianto chose for his dance with Jack. I assume this makes it the Official RTD-Approved window into Ianto's love for Jack.


You do something to me, something deep inside
I'm hanging on the wire for a love I'll never find
You do something wonderful then chase it all away
Mixing my emotions that throws me back again
Hanging on the wire, I'm waiting for the change
I'm dancing through the fire, just to catch a flame
and feel real again

You do something to me somewhere deep inside
I'm hoping to get close to a peace I cannot find

Dancing through the fire just to catch a flame
Just to get close to you, just close enough
To tell you that.....

You do something to me, something deep inside.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's beautiful - and food for thought, too.

[raissad.livejournal.com]

Well done. :)

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[of-too-minds.livejournal.com]

That was excellent.

"You protest too much." The Doctor's eyes held the fire of a thousand suns. "Once a con man, always a con man."
I love that line. It raises an interesting point. Is Jack just conning himself (and by extension, Torchwood 3) into believing he can save Earth?

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Is Jack just conning himself (and by extension, Torchwood 3) into believing he can save Earth?

Well, that's a good question, isn't it? We don't know the truth; Torchwood doesn't know the truth. Jack has conned the team into believing him, by making them love him. They have faith. But should they?

Jack wants to be an honest man, but we don't always get what we want by wanting it.

[of-too-minds.livejournal.com]

we don't always get what we want by wanting it.
Good point. Jack wants to be an honest man but his actions don't reflect that. He loves his team but not enough to trust that they'll continue to love him if they know the truth about his background. He's hidden the real him for so long, I don't think even he knows who he really is. He's trying very hard to live and breathe the persona the Doctor assigned him but how is that any different from pretending to be any of the cover stories he used for his scams?

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

He's trying very hard to live and breathe the persona the Doctor assigned him but how is that any different from pretending to be any of the cover stories he used for his scams?

Well, I think there are various ways in which it's different - for one thing, it isn't a scam, it's a rediscovery of self, and there's a big difference there. Also a chosen identity, with a very strong and positive influence to guide him. So I'm rooting for success for Jack, but I do see why his teammates wonder, and worry, and are curious about his past.

In other words, I think he has managed to make his honesty a reality, not a veneer, and it's getting easier for him all the time.

After "Exit Wounds", I don't think he'll keep secrets from them.

[of-too-minds.livejournal.com]

one thing, it isn't a scam, it's a rediscovery of self, and there's a big difference there.
I didn't mean to imply it's a scam. I think Jack genuinely wants to be that person. I simply meant that he's been playing a role (up until recently at least) and in that sense it's comparable to when he would play a role for one of his scams. Yes the role is more and more who he is now (especially since his year in chains) but I think he's still a work in progress. I'd argue it's more a discovery of self than a rediscovery of self. How deep it goes and how changed he is, well, we'll have to see what happens after Exit Wounds.

And for the record, I'm also rooting for success for Jack. I just think he would find the path easier to walk if he had help and support, and that requires being honest and open with his team.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Yes the role is more and more who he is now (especially since his year in chains) but I think he's still a work in progress.

I think so too, and that this progress will be continuing for a while as he tries out different things. I think he will be open and honest with Gwen and Ianto in future - but we we won't know till we see it.