Torchwood: Ianto at Work...
Feb. 22nd, 2008 10:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fajrdrakoMy friend
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maaboroshi is suddenly channelling Ianto and I love it.You know how series of jokes get passed along online, and take on a life of their own? She sent me the joke about the Australian Tourist Office, with the tagline: These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
The jokes about the Australian Tourist Office Q&A
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Just for fun, I looked up the Canadian version of the same series of jokes.
This led
maaboroshi to imagine Ianto, bored in his tourist office, answering similar questions about Wales in reply to e-mail on his own office computer:Q: Please send me the cruise schedule where I can ride a boat out and pet humpbacks. (USA)
A: It's W.A.L.E.S. - a part of Britain, not W.H.A.L... oh forget it. Cruises leave for the
Humpback Aqua Petting Zoo on Tuesday nights. Come naked.
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Q: I saw on the Discovery Channel that rocks from Whales are symbols of the Land of the Dead. Do they send all the dead people from England to Whales? (USA)
A: Yes, all corpses in the UK are shipped to W.A.L.E.S. to be processed. They arrive in cargo
containers throughout the week, and then are distributed on Tuesdays to the coastal regions via an intricate system of trolleys, wheelbarrows and ATS (All Terrain Submarines). There's a sendoff ceremony Tuesday evenings at the Millennium Stadium. Tiny hankies for waving goodbye are provided. Come naked.
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[Ianto won't shut up. ]
Q: What was the The Wales Millennium Centre in Cardiff named for? (Belgium)
A: The Centre was named after the Roman centurian Millenn who introduced showers to the Caerleon Roman Baths. The fountain in The Basin, fronting the centre, commemorates his efforts. Do NOT come naked to the fountain.
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Q: How do you say "Where can I swim with the wales?" in Welsh?
A: Ble gwneud y tro nofio W.H.A.L.E.S. gwirionyn stfu.
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More? I love seeing Ianto make Jack laugh!
Addendum: the things I think of keep turning out slashy, or self-reflexive:
Q: Is it true there are time-travellers in Cardiff?
A: Yes, but he's busy.
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Q: Is it true there are time-travellers in Cardiff?
A: Yes, but he's got a boyfriend already and I'm not sharing him with you, so there.
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Q: Is it true there are aliens in Cardiff?
A: Yes, it's a TARDIS refuelling station, but the scheduling is erratic.
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Q: Is it true there are aliens in Cardiff?
A: Yes. Check with City Hall.
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Q: Is it true there are aliens in Cardiff?
A: Yes. They are called Weevils. They are dangerous, and they bite. You may protect yourself from Weevils by buying Weevil-Off Spray from I. Jones & Co.(website link here).
[More from
maaboroshi:]Q: Does the Princess of Whales have a home in Cardiff? (USA)
A: No, but the Queen of Whales, Gwenllian of Orca, resides in the Aqua Petting Zoo, accessible by cruise boat on Tuesdays. Her Highness will grant audience to all those who come naked.
Q: Is it safe to drink the water in Wales? Should I get innoculated before I go? (Canada)
A: The water in Wales is deadly toxic to all those who do not have a natural immunity. An 8-week series of antibiotic injections, administered rectally with a bicycle pump, is recommended prior to travel.
Q: Is there beer in Wales?(Mexico)
A: No. The local inhabitants drink a colorless, odorless liquid obtained by squeezing and
fermenting the remains of Rarebit aged at least six weeks and buried in a bog. With a twist of lime.
Q: Are there any Stonehenges in Wales? (UK)
A: There is a multitude of Stonehengi to be found in the Northern areas. They nest high in oak trees and are known for their colorful plumage and loud squawking. However, be warned: some of the local varieties have mated with feral budgerigars, and are known to attack shiny objects. Do not wear jewelery when observing. For maximum safety, go naked.
[Yet more from the eeevil
maaboroshi:]It's even more fun when you imagine it being said with Ianto's ever so toppy proper accent.
***
Q: I wanted to make an inquiry in person at your office near the Millenium Centre, but a strange man in a big military overcoat was making a disturbance and seemed to be talking to himself. I do hope he's not one of your staff.
A: The individual in question is known to this office and has been appropriately disciplined in private for his innappropriate public conduct. Should you see him again, please do not approach him, ESPECIALLY while naked. Thank you for your concern.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2008-02-22 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2008-02-22 04:32 pm (UTC)Too, too funny!
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-22 05:09 pm (UTC)Q. It always seems to be raining when I see Wales on TV. How do you manage?
A. We have invented amazing things called Wellington boots. They are particularly easy to find on sheep farms.
Q. My aunty lives in Llandudno. Can I call in to see her when I'm in Cardiff.
A. Sure, it's only a couple of hundred miles across mountains. Take an umbrella.
Q. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Cardiff?
A. Only when the last Americans go home.
Q. I was in Cardiff in 1989 and I'd like to contact the girl I dated. Can you help me?
A. Yes, but she's a "he" now and her charges have doubled.
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-02-22 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-22 09:53 pm (UTC)Is it always wrong to have sex with the boss? Nobody else knows, and I think I'm love with him.
Help!
signed, Overtime in Plasnewydd
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Date: 2008-02-22 05:37 pm (UTC)AHAHAHAHA!!! Don't know what gwirionyn means, but I sure as hell know stfu. :-D It does look sort of convincing Welsh, too....
Oh wait: ...W.H.A.L.E.S. idiot STFU. :-D
Ianto would absolutely do that. Bless his sassy little ass.
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:47 pm (UTC)Oooh, yes. What a perfect way to describe him. Thanks for commenting!
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:44 pm (UTC)Thanks for commenting.
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Date: 2008-02-22 08:11 pm (UTC)*rotflmao* *still rolling*
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:43 pm (UTC)Tailor-made, isn't it? [g] Glad you liked it.
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Date: 2008-02-22 09:31 pm (UTC)The individual in question is known to this office and has been appropriately disciplined in private for his innappropriate public conduct. Should you see him again, please do not approach him, ESPECIALLY while naked. Thank you for your concern.
Oh God, my ribs are aching...
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Date: 2008-02-22 09:45 pm (UTC)I think I've pulled a muscle while reading this I laughed so much.
Funniest thing I have read in ages.
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:07 pm (UTC)~
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:35 pm (UTC)(Can't believe I just said that! Like Jack said: Dis-gusting!)
Here's to the health of our monitors: water is not just good for the hydration qualities.
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:21 pm (UTC)Let me know, please - ta.
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Date: 2008-02-22 11:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-02-23 12:01 am (UTC)Oh god. That makes for quite the mental image O.O
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Date: 2008-02-23 12:16 am (UTC)-in tears-
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Date: 2008-02-23 08:14 pm (UTC)[g]
Thanks for commenting.