Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever. - Nancy Kerrigan
sometimes I am harsher on everyone around me than on myself (generally not judging but extreme irritabillity and I send them nasty thoughts) I can also be much harder on myself than on those around be (giving them more slack for one one thing). It is never strictly on one line and the seeing forever I certainly haven't experienced. Eh, yeah I have, when I was manic, but with hindsight I tend to doubt the reality/effectivity of such experiences.
BTW do you have an equivalent saying in English from the Dutch saying :"zoals de waard is vertrouwt hij zijn gasten" (As the innkeeper is, so he trusts his customers) Meaning if you would yourself steal you suspects others of thievery, if you are a lawabiding paying customer you assume your customers to be like that.
I can't think of a saying like that in English - but there must be one, because it's so true! People expect people to act or react like themselves, but it doesn't happen that way.
Self-doubt is a major problem of mine. How can you sell yourself as a potential employee if you don't believe in the product?
It wasn't a problem when I was younger. I was a confident child and student. I believed that if you had intellectual ability, worked hard and got good qualifications, were cheerful, clean-living, & c., you could achieve anything. Then I was hit with years of nothing but rejections. The rules had been changed. Because no-one else seems to value my existence or capabilities, why should I? So I've a list of publications that runs to 4 sides of A4, but that doesn't pay the rent or put food on the table. To people who say that "material success doesn't matter", I can only say they've never been sufficiently poor and insecure to know.
Oh, me too! I have faith in what I think and feel, in my intelligence and abilities, but self-confidence? That's a problem, often. But I learned something from my spell with deep depression: that I am more than my intelligence and abilities, and that there's something left of me even when I lose both. That was oddly reassuring - not at the time, but since, in retrospect. Getting my sense of self back was a big deal.
Material success does matter, and it's a worry, among many.
I tend to feel that my intelligence and abilities are all I have, that can't be taken away from me (unless I end up going ga-ga). They're all I have that sets me apart from the other losers - the lumpenproletariat and junkies & c - who also have to sign on every 2 weeks in Maryhill. I'm an intellectual and cultural snob, because what else have I got to hold on to, in terms of self-respect?
I tend to feel that my intelligence and abilities are all I have, that can't be taken away from me
I had always believed that, then found out I was wrong. It was scary. And I don't imagine talking about it makes you feel better!
(unless I end up going ga-ga).
Yeah, I guess that's sort of what happened to me. Luckily I got better. Are my mental skills as good as they were beforehand? I don't know how to judge. I can still learn, I can still write - maybe not quite as easily - it's hard to say. My memory isn't as good as it was when I was a teen, but I am told this happens to everyone.
I'm an intellectual and cultural snob,
I managed to remain an intellectual and cultural snob even when my brain was oatmeal, which does odd things to a person's self-esteem, but sort of worked for me... Especially when my brains came back.
what else have I got to hold on to, in terms of self-respect?
Well, that's the big question, isn't it? I clung to my sense of integrity (which never changed) and eventually the rest came back. I perhaps kept my imagination throughout. And even though I didn't really I would ever get better (loss of hope is one of the symptoms of depression, at least for me at that time) I still had a sense of the 'real me' as being intelligent. Somehow I survived.
But it does lead me to sometimes doubt myself, especially since I haven't had the opportunity to re-tune and hone the skills I want to have, and which I once had.
But you don't actually lose your faculties with depression: you don't lose everything you've read and learned and loved.
Hope. That's a difficult one for me. I've learned not to build up my hopes too much when applying for jobs because I only get extremely low when I'm rejected. I'm afraid to be optimistic, because it tends to end in tears.
I suppose that's why I'm enjoying working on His Loveliness at the moment: his indomitability and zest for life are very helpful. It's like having a friend always on stand-by to give me a pep-talk and tell me to keep going.
But you don't actually lose your faculties with depression: you don't lose everything you've read and learned and loved.
I did. Well, not everything, not all at once. But my brain worked so badly that it felt as if none of that had ever existed. I couldn't remember what I'd read and learned, and I couldn't concentrate well enough to get it back. All I knew what that I once had had it, and I cold feel the loss. A definition of 'hell', I tell you.
Normally, I'm full of hope. Probably to a fault!
Yes, Conrad is a good example in all ways. I admire the work you are doing on him.
It must help, having little chirping friends around, too!
Yes. They often make me smile. They're just so cute and cheerful - all the time - even when they're feeling grumpy, they're so cute it lifts my spirits.
he is very cheering company.
He certainly is, and I find that with other Crusaders too. And history in general. Such interesting people, and often such good people.
They often make me smile. They're just so cute and cheerful - all the time - even when they're feeling grumpy, they're so cute it lifts my spirits.
Budgies are merry wee companions; and in repose (and yes, I know how rare that is!) they have such wise little faces, with their bright, boot-button eyes! And budgies trying to do 'sullen' is just irresistibly comic.
Such interesting people, and often such good people.
Yes. I think what I like about so many of my historical pets - 12C and 18C particularly - is how aware they were of the precariousness of life, and so seized its pleasures accordingly: joi e deport. There's none of the prissiness one finds with some (though not all) of the 19C. Intelligent people with a passion for life and few hang-ups.
What I find poignant with Conrad is that he devoted so much of his energy to saving others - saving a kingdom - but there was no-one to save him. So I try to do my best for him, poor darling.
Budgies ... in repose (and yes, I know how rare that is!)
Hee! Pryde scared me yesterday - she was in her hamster wheel, lying so flat and inert I thought she was sick or dead. I gave her some time to herself, hoping for the best, and just before I was going to open the cage and check on her, she woke up and started hopping around as lively as ever. It was just a nap. I'm not used to seeing that!
And budgies trying to do 'sullen' is just irresistibly comic.
When they're angry I always picture a little dark cloud over their heads. They manage to scowl quite effectively for creatures without eyebrows. I'm not sure how they do it. Their anger never lasts long, though.
what I like about so many of my historical pets - 12C and 18C particularly - is how aware they were of the precariousness of life, and so seized its pleasures accordingly: joi e deport.
So true. They didn't expect comfort to come to them automatically, and they learned to create their own culture. I t hink of the 12th century as one of creative discovery, where the arts were valued because they knew what it was like to live without them.
Intelligent people with a passion for life and few hang-ups.
My favourite kind - that could probably describe most of my heroes. (At least in my educated but subjective view of them.)
What I find poignant with Conrad is that he devoted so much of his energy to saving others - saving a kingdom - but there was no-one to save him.
There should have been. The times were out of joint. Saladin 'won' in so many ways, even the battle for the respect of posterity.
When they're angry I always picture a little dark cloud over their heads. They manage to scowl quite effectively for creatures without eyebrows. I'm not sure how they do it. Their anger never lasts long, though.
Yes! They have very expressive wee faces! (And when they yawn - with their funny little tongues!)
There should have been. The times were out of joint. Saladin 'won' in so many ways, even the battle for the respect of posterity.
It's very strange that a man who was celebrated internationally at the time should have been marginalised so thoroughly.
With Conrad, the really odd thing is that he went from being the dazzling and dashing international hero to treacherous villain within a hundred years of his death - and that was what stuck. Poor boy.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 02:06 pm (UTC)Eh, yeah I have, when I was manic, but with hindsight I tend to doubt the reality/effectivity of such experiences.
BTW do you have an equivalent saying in English from the Dutch saying :"zoals de waard is vertrouwt hij zijn gasten" (As the innkeeper is, so he trusts his customers) Meaning if you would yourself steal you suspects others of thievery, if you are a lawabiding paying customer you assume your customers to be like that.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 03:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 05:20 pm (UTC)It wasn't a problem when I was younger. I was a confident child and student. I believed that if you had intellectual ability, worked hard and got good qualifications, were cheerful, clean-living, & c., you could achieve anything. Then I was hit with years of nothing but rejections. The rules had been changed. Because no-one else seems to value my existence or capabilities, why should I? So I've a list of publications that runs to 4 sides of A4, but that doesn't pay the rent or put food on the table. To people who say that "material success doesn't matter", I can only say they've never been sufficiently poor and insecure to know.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 05:27 pm (UTC)Oh, me too! I have faith in what I think and feel, in my intelligence and abilities, but self-confidence? That's a problem, often. But I learned something from my spell with deep depression: that I am more than my intelligence and abilities, and that there's something left of me even when I lose both. That was oddly reassuring - not at the time, but since, in retrospect. Getting my sense of self back was a big deal.
Material success does matter, and it's a worry, among many.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 05:50 pm (UTC)I had always believed that, then found out I was wrong. It was scary. And I don't imagine talking about it makes you feel better!
(unless I end up going ga-ga).
Yeah, I guess that's sort of what happened to me. Luckily I got better. Are my mental skills as good as they were beforehand? I don't know how to judge. I can still learn, I can still write - maybe not quite as easily - it's hard to say. My memory isn't as good as it was when I was a teen, but I am told this happens to everyone.
I'm an intellectual and cultural snob,
I managed to remain an intellectual and cultural snob even when my brain was oatmeal, which does odd things to a person's self-esteem, but sort of worked for me... Especially when my brains came back.
what else have I got to hold on to, in terms of self-respect?
Well, that's the big question, isn't it? I clung to my sense of integrity (which never changed) and eventually the rest came back. I perhaps kept my imagination throughout. And even though I didn't really I would ever get better (loss of hope is one of the symptoms of depression, at least for me at that time) I still had a sense of the 'real me' as being intelligent. Somehow I survived.
But it does lead me to sometimes doubt myself, especially since I haven't had the opportunity to re-tune and hone the skills I want to have, and which I once had.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 06:46 pm (UTC)Hope. That's a difficult one for me. I've learned not to build up my hopes too much when applying for jobs because I only get extremely low when I'm rejected. I'm afraid to be optimistic, because it tends to end in tears.
I suppose that's why I'm enjoying working on His Loveliness at the moment: his indomitability and zest for life are very helpful. It's like having a friend always on stand-by to give me a pep-talk and tell me to keep going.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 07:01 pm (UTC)I did. Well, not everything, not all at once. But my brain worked so badly that it felt as if none of that had ever existed. I couldn't remember what I'd read and learned, and I couldn't concentrate well enough to get it back. All I knew what that I once had had it, and I cold feel the loss. A definition of 'hell', I tell you.
Normally, I'm full of hope. Probably to a fault!
Yes, Conrad is a good example in all ways. I admire the work you are doing on him.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 07:29 pm (UTC)The important thing is that you got back from it. My dread is something like Alzheimer's.
Normally, I'm full of hope. Probably to a fault!
That's good! It must help, having little chirping friends around, too!
Yes, Conrad is a good example in all ways. I admire the work you are doing on him.
Thanks! I'm glad someone's interested and appreciative!
And he is very cheering company.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 05:00 pm (UTC)Yes. They often make me smile. They're just so cute and cheerful - all the time - even when they're feeling grumpy, they're so cute it lifts my spirits.
he is very cheering company.
He certainly is, and I find that with other Crusaders too. And history in general. Such interesting people, and often such good people.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 06:21 pm (UTC)Budgies are merry wee companions; and in repose (and yes, I know how rare that is!) they have such wise little faces, with their bright, boot-button eyes! And budgies trying to do 'sullen' is just irresistibly comic.
Such interesting people, and often such good people.
Yes. I think what I like about so many of my historical pets - 12C and 18C particularly - is how aware they were of the precariousness of life, and so seized its pleasures accordingly: joi e deport. There's none of the prissiness one finds with some (though not all) of the 19C. Intelligent people with a passion for life and few hang-ups.
What I find poignant with Conrad is that he devoted so much of his energy to saving others - saving a kingdom - but there was no-one to save him. So I try to do my best for him, poor darling.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 06:30 pm (UTC)Hee! Pryde scared me yesterday - she was in her hamster wheel, lying so flat and inert I thought she was sick or dead. I gave her some time to herself, hoping for the best, and just before I was going to open the cage and check on her, she woke up and started hopping around as lively as ever. It was just a nap. I'm not used to seeing that!
And budgies trying to do 'sullen' is just irresistibly comic.
When they're angry I always picture a little dark cloud over their heads. They manage to scowl quite effectively for creatures without eyebrows. I'm not sure how they do it. Their anger never lasts long, though.
what I like about so many of my historical pets - 12C and 18C particularly - is how aware they were of the precariousness of life, and so seized its pleasures accordingly: joi e deport.
So true. They didn't expect comfort to come to them automatically, and they learned to create their own culture. I t hink of the 12th century as one of creative discovery, where the arts were valued because they knew what it was like to live without them.
Intelligent people with a passion for life and few hang-ups.
My favourite kind - that could probably describe most of my heroes. (At least in my educated but subjective view of them.)
What I find poignant with Conrad is that he devoted so much of his energy to saving others - saving a kingdom - but there was no-one to save him.
There should have been. The times were out of joint. Saladin 'won' in so many ways, even the battle for the respect of posterity.
I'm doing my best, too!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 08:02 pm (UTC)Yes! They have very expressive wee faces! (And when they yawn - with their funny little tongues!)
There should have been. The times were out of joint. Saladin 'won' in so many ways, even the battle for the respect of posterity.
It's very strange that a man who was celebrated internationally at the time should have been marginalised so thoroughly.
I'm doing my best, too!
Good - he needs all the virtual love he can get!
I'm doing my best, too!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 10:25 pm (UTC)It does seem strange. I wonder how many other times this has happened, with people we just don't know about.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 10:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 11:01 pm (UTC)With Conrad, the really odd thing is that he went from being the dazzling and dashing international hero to treacherous villain within a hundred years of his death - and that was what stuck.
Poor boy.