Civility and other important matters...

[fajrdrako]

Top of the list of things that I believe essential for world peace, personal health, and true happiness, is the notion of civility.

Lisa, Lynne and I were talking about this last night. As with so many things, we were of like mind - we are three INFPs, if that means anything to you, and often agree on approach if not substance.

So we were talking about an online book review Lynne have found, of a book called Choosing Civility by P.M. Forni. Forni himself is a professor at John Hopkins University in Baltimore, and has his own website.

None of us have read the book, and we might have had different reactions to his advice if we had. We liked the Wright's synopsis of it, for all that the writer's presentation is rather extremely American in style. Nothing wrong with that, of course, especially as he is American and comes by it honestly; just that us non-Americans are then likely to relate less. I tend to think of civility as being for the whole planet, and to focus on the ideals of one nation seems like thinking small. I thought at first that Wright must be religious, but no, on browsing his site, I see that he's a Libertarian. I have mixed feelings about that: I had the impression that Libertarianism, at least as practised in the States, is a right-wing, rather elitist philosophy not at all like my own happy sense of socialist anarchism. But what do I know of other people's political spheres?

Wright calls civility a 'core value' and lists the chapter headings of Forni's book (my comments in italics):

1. Pay Attention.
   
   This seems to me to be what yoga writers phrase as "Be aware". It's slightly different; it has the connotation of paying attention to other people, of focussing the attention on what is significant, while the yoga philosophy is more generalized. It's a good one, either way.
   
   
   
2. Acknowledge others.
   
   
3. Think the best.
   
   I would add: "Think the best as a matter of conscious policy, but not to the point of delusion or denial." This isn't much of a problem; just about everyone errs in the other direction. And I think the tendency to do so is getting worse with time.
   
   
   
4. Listen.
   
   
5. Be inclusive.
   
   
6. Speak kindly.
   
   
7. Don't speak ill.
   
   Lisa, Lynne and I had a discussion of whether these two items, 6 and 7, and two ways of saying the same thing. Not exactly. It made us think of the dictum "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" - another variation on the same principle. There is a neutral ground between the two; I think the corollary is that it isn't enough to just not denigrate others, it's important be overtly kind and to say good things as well.
   
   
   
8. Accept and give praise.
   
   
9. Respect even a subtle 'no'.
   
   This seems like another important point to me, too. Don't try to persuade others to do things they don't want to do. They may agree just to shut you up, and then resent it.
   
   
   
10. Respect other's opinions.
    
    And even if they're nuts, respect their right to be so.
    
    
    
11. Mind your body.
    
    Another point we discussed at length. The more we talked about it, the more we thought of ramifications: keep yourself clean so you don't smell, but don't use perfumes which may trigger allergies or just annoy others; be careful how you sneeze or cough; don't treat on other people's toes (literally or figuratively), don't jab the person beside you on the bus with your elbows; and so on. In a broader sense, for the betterment of the world in general, I would say, "Mind your body in the sense of taking care of it - maintain your health as best you can, and it will be better for yourself and others."
    
    
    
12. Be agreeable.
    
    Another long discussion. We concluded that it doesn't mean 'agree to things', it means 'don't be contentious', be good-natured, even when you disagree with something.
    
    
    
13. Keep it down (and rediscover silence).
    
    One of the exercises in my yoga class was to spend a day (or week, or hour) in silence. I liked this; it was amazingly calming.
    
    
    
14. Respect each other's time.
    
    Not something I'd actually thought about, but now having done so, I think it's wonderful advice, and a good way of looking at things.
    
    
    
15. Respect other people's space.
    
    This is a little like #11, I think, but has other ramifications. Treat other people's houses carefully, don't tread mud on their rugs, don't leave rings on their furniture.
    
    
    
16. Apologize earnestly.
    
    It's been my experience that most people apologize to placate or get themselves out of trouble. A sincere apology is a wonderful thing.
    
    
    
17. Assert yourself.
    
    Something I need to practise more.
    
    
    
18. Avoid personal questions.
    
    Some people like personal questions, because they are shy about initiating talk about themselves even when they want to confide things. I sometimes have that problem. Other people resent anything personal. Then there's the question of when "personal" becomes "too personal", and that's a cultural thing, too. This one takes a lot of judgement.
    
    
    
19. Care for your guests.
    
    I love this one. I'm sometimes a sort of casual hostess, maybe even over-casual, but I love having people visit and making tea for them, or cookies.
    
    
    
20. Be a considerate guest.
    
    There are some people I just don't invite over because of incidents in the past which, though possibly trivial, make me less comfortable having them over.
    
    
    
21. Think twice before asking for favours.
    
    I find it very, very difficult to ask for favours. And sometimes when I ask and get turned down, I find it devastating. Far more difficult to deal with emotionally than it ought to be. It also depends on my degree of trust and friendship for the person I am asking.
    
    
    
22. Refrain from idle complaints.
    
    We all need to vent sometimes, but chronic complainers aren't fun to be around. Even if a person doesn't complain aloud, having a grumpy attitude about life isn't a good thing.
    
    
    
23. Accept and give constructive criticism.
    
    
24. Respect the environment and be gentle.
    
    This seemed an odd combination in one sentence, to me, though of course I approve of the advice.
    
    
    
25. Don't shift responsibility and blame.
    
    Oh, how I agree with this one!
    
    

In our discussion, Lynne and Lisa and I thought of things we'd add to the list:

1. Don't take things personally.
   
   
2. Consider your own reactions: you can't control how another person acts, but you can control your responses.
   
   
3. Be tactful.
   We talked about this because Lynne said she had argued with someone who felt that being tactful was being dishonest, and hiding a part of one's thoughts; Lynne and I argued that tact was being honest and kind at the same time. And with good will, it is always possible to combine honesty and kindness.
   
   
   
4. Respect other people's feelings.
   Which pretty much sums up the whole subject.